Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
