This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
