I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Slut skills are useful in every country.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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