Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
