It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
