So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
