Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
