Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Also, beer. Big fan.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
