this just has baby written all over it
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
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