Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
