I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
you mean i was at the winter classic?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
