Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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