You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
‪So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?‬
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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