I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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