He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
