Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Randomize
