Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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