when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
