a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
