it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
