You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
