Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
