Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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