Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
