I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm getting married
To pizza
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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