There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I need to sanitize my soul.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
