Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
