There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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