that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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