Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
