Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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