end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
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You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
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And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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