at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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