I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
