you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
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I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
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Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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