then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Randomize
