and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
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