i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
