Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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