I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
