god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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