Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Who died my cat blue again?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
