its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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