What a fucking waste of an outfit
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
