only you would photoshop your dick
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
