I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
