So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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