I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
