i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
