Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
