I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
