i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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