Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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