I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
